angelicjace: tommilsom: Two scientists walk into a bar The first scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of H2O” The second scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of water too. Wh… why did you say H2O? Like, I know it’s the chemical formula for water and all, but it’s the end of the day and there’s really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work” The...
amoying: it takes two to have anal, that’s why it’s called an anus
octopus-muffin: rosified: i know boobs are annoying and i complain about them a lot but imagine if one day you woke up and they weren’t there anymore like i would flip the fuck out and be pissed man cuz i mean they’ve grown on me after all these years we niggas for life I connected to this post more then I thought i would have.
the little 5 year old girl I babysit
me: What you do think about the princess marrying another princess?
her: Instead of the prince?
me: Instead of the prince
her: So her daughter would have two mommies?
her: two princess mommies...
ambassadorsarcasm: contentbabe: i used to be afraid of ghosts when i was little so my mom used to tell me that they can be vacuumed up so she gave me a hand-held vacuum and would make me go around the house cleaning telling me that i was getting rid of all the ghosts This is genius
softgrungepuppy: softgrungepuppy: once when i was 6 my aunt took me shopping and she said “i like these shoes can you carry them out the shop for me” and i didn’t really know how shops worked so i did and then the shop assistant came over when the alarm when off and i started crying and she said “dont worry sweetie it’s just a pair of shoes you can keep them” and that is how i got away with my...
wonderful-sexcapades: h0llo: School attendance would go up by like 300% if we had cool padded swirly chairs or bean bags instead of ugly blue chairs harder than a pornstars dick thats the best comparison ever
poiregourmande: deadseafruit: ghostfromaphotograph: I just realised that all nice things end in ‘aughter’. daughter laughter slaughter one of these things is not like the others yeah, laughter is prounounced laffter
When my brother's in the shower...
-waiting for brother to get out of the shower-
-hears him singing-
me: will you quit singing?
me: QUIT SINGING. IT'S LAME
brother: WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER, TWO THINGS GET TO BE FREE
brother: MY BALLS
brother: AND MY SOUL
lepreas: lolsupreme: lepreas: toinfinityandbeyonce: what if you woke up one day and you were hot idk i’d probably open the window or something I CANT BREAHTE idk you should probably open a window or something
mikauz: thisblogismynote: When I turn off my laptop by holding the power button as opposed to the proper way, I always feel like I’m holding its head underwater until it suffocates slowly.
eracist: if i was ever gonna rob anything i would rob a UPS truck because you get all those packages and you have no idea whats inside its christmas morning all over again
solluxcaptor: lightningbutts: solluxcaptor: karkatus: i had something to say but then i forgot so here have a picture of a raisin thats not a raisin theres like 207 raisins there did you actually count them i opened them up on paint and marked off each one with red as i counted it so yes, it was serious business and also a sad reminder that im living a sad life
alberoni: bettywhite4ever: I wanna be hot enough to make people question their sexual orientation i’m ugly enough to make people question their sexual orientation
Fun party trick: put Skittles and M&M’s in the same bowl, wait for someone to grab a handful. you can go fuck yourself That actually sounds delicious.
This is a true story
Me: Yeah, at home we have -
Mom: HOME? DID YOU JUST CALL YOUR SCHOOL HOME?
Me: That was an accident I'm sorry -
Mom: IT IS NOT YOUR HOME THIS IS YOUR HOME
Me: I know -
Mom: THEY DON'T LOVE YOU
Mom: WE HAVE TO PAY THEM TO LOVE YOU
Mom: LIKE A PROSTITUTE
chickensandwich: wassupstyles: What if your giving a bj in the shower and he just starts shampooing and conditioning your hair very polite